A (Not Too) Serious Christmas Quiz

With Christmas rapidly approaching, mainstream media fills its coffers with tales of how Jesus never existed or why the traditional Christmas tale cannot be believed.  Therefore, I think it’s time for another of my a bit tongue-in-cheek quizzes, this time focusing on Christmas and its history. For previous quizzes, check here and here.

1. It’s believed that early Christians began celebrating Christmas on December 25 because:
1. If it was any earlier, stores would be hanging Christmas decorations right after the Fourth of July.
2. Given the complexity of assembling bikes and wagons, it needed to be one of the longest nights of the year.
3. They followed a tradition that Jesus’ death (thought to be on March 25 AD 30) would also be the anniversary of His conception.
4. Only those crazy Orthodox Christians want to hear Perry Como and Bing Crosby after the New Year begins.
2. How do we know that the Magi did not show up until up to two years after Jesus’ birth?
1. Because they’re men and they would have never asked for directions.
2. Because Matthew 2:11 describes Jesus and Mary now living in a house, and after Herod “determined from them the exact time the star appeared” gave an edict to kill all male children two years and younger.
3. It took them that long to wrap the gifts.
4. The roads from Mesopotamia to Jerusalem are always jammed with holiday traffic.
3. The accomplishments of the real St. Nicholas, who lived in the 4th century, include:
1. His later life in politics running against Burgermeister Meisterburger.
2. Being a true proto-hipster and ushering in the beard-cult.
3. Inspiring Nicholas Cage’s parents with an Internet-meme worthy name.
4. Attending the Council of Nicea and supporting the full divinity and humanity of Jesus, even to the extent of purportedly punching the heretic Arius in the face.
4. The Immaculate Conception refers to:
1. The Roman Catholic doctrine that Mary was conceived without original sin in order to bear the savior.
2. A new brand of cleaning product.
3. A brilliant idea for a concept car… and definitely NOT the clay model of the AMC Pacer or Gremlin.
4. No-mess adoption.
5. Bible scholars believe that since Bethlehem was such as small town, Jesus was most likely not born in a cave but in a back room of a relative’s home. The misconception stems from:
1. The Greek word katalyma which is translated “guest chamber” and could be used for a guest room or an Inn. It was also used in Mark 14:14 when Jesus sent his disciples to find a place to eat the Passover meal.
2. The need to give the kids who cannot act but only shake their heads “no” some kind of part in the Christmas play.
3. How dumb our Nativity scenes would look if an angel was perched on the roof next to a television antenna.
4. No one wanted their relatives to think that extended stays are somehow Biblical.
6. The Christmas phrase “Peace on Earth, Good will towards Men” refers to:
1. A misogynistic greeting that has no place in our cis-gendered society.
2. What you tell the store clerk when you’re trying to return that ugly sweater without a receipt.
3. God’s goodwill act of providing His Son as the way men could have peace with Him.
4. An archaic greeting which has been replaced by the now more popular “Keep the change, ya filthy animal!”
7. The practice of abbreviating Christmas as “Xmas” began because:
1. Large X’s would be placed on children’s back fences, serving as targets for their Red Ryder BB Guns.
2. It’s how people were crossed off the pot luck list if they ever showed up with a fruitcake.
3. Because people come into Christmas day eXhausted with their cash eXtinguished.
4. The X is not crossing out Jesus, but it represents the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter for the Greek word Christ (Χριστοζ).
8. Early Church Father Tertullian taught that the Magi were instructed to leave “by another way” because:
1. Holiday traffic would be a killer.
2. They wanted to see the Dead Sea and maybe pick up some souvenirs at the gift shop.
3. Given their reliance on astrology and magic, the command symbolized God telling them to change their superstitious belief system.
4. They had a booking to perform a magic show for a Bar-Mitzvah in Joppa.
9. The 12 Days of Christmas refers to:
1. Proof that any gift larger than “five golden rings” is completely unmemorable.
2. The twelve days beginning Christmas Day and ending January 6 at the Feast of the Epiphany, where some Christians have historically given gifts.
3. How long it feels waiting in line to purchase those gifts the last days before Christmas.
4. Each of the days network television will air It’s A Wonderful Life.
10. The Virgin birth is central to the Christmas story because:
1. It fulfilled the prophecies given of the Messiah in Gen 3:15 and Isaiah 7:14.
2. It’s the only time the sermon of the real Parson Brown is more interesting than that of the snowman Parson Brown.
3. It gives those folks at the Discovery Channel a chance at another “documentary” seeking to debunk something.
4. Mary saturated everyone’s Instagram and Facebook timelines with baby pictures.

Answers:  1:C,   2:B,  3:D,  4:A,  5:A,  6:C,  7:D,  8:C,  9:B,  10:A

Image from A Christmas Story © 1983 Warner Bros. Movies. Used in accordance with fair use.

Another (Not Too) Serious Christian History Quiz

Given the historic significance of October 31 in both the Roman Catholic and Protestant traditions, last year I published the first (Not Too) Serious Christian History Quiz.  It was meant to be an entertaining yet instructive way to help Christians learn more about their history—something that's vastly under-appreciated in the church these days. It was a big success, so I thought I would write another one this year.

Check out the questions below and see how many people, places and events you recognize. Look up some that you don't. You'll be the better for it!

1.   Justin Martyr is famous because:

1. His name sounds so close to Justin Beiber that all the teen girls love him, too.
2. If he didn't live, then persecuted Christians would be called "tertullians".
3. He set the model for Jewish mothers everywhere by complaining how much he had been put out by his children.
4. He was one of the first Christian apologists, using philosophy and reason to defend the faith against heretics and skeptics.

2.   367 is a significant when discussing Athanasius of Alexandria because:

1. That was the number of formulas he tried before creating the world's first soft drink.
2. He was staying in room 366 and the adjoining room's noise kept him up all night.
3. During Easter of that year he wrote a letter to the churches in Egypt, which included the oldest known complete list of the NT canon.
4. The phone company decided to split North Africa in to multiple area codes and that number was assigned to Alexandria.

3.   The last Gladiatorial fights were fought in 404 A.D. because:

1. The league owners and the players could never come to an agreement on the division of profit percentages.
2. The reality genre didn't yet have the incredible talents of Snooki behind it yet.
3. An extreme doping and steroids scandal was uncovered, eliminating all of the games' contestants.
4. A single Christian monk named Telemachus stood his ground on the Coliseum floor and begged the crowd to stop the barbarous practice.

4.   The heresy of Donatism taught that:

1. All business principles can be gleaned by watching The Godfather movies.
2. All sacraments, including the baptism of new believers, are only effective if the priest administering them is morally pure.
3. All-girl bands from San Francisco can stay on top of the charts despite changing record labels.
4. All clothing labels in one's closet should read "DKNY".

5.   Saint Patrick sought to convert the Irish Druids because:

1. He had been captured and enslaved by them, yet his love for God and his compassion for these people brought him back to Ireland.
2. They had developed a delightful new breakfast food that was magically delicious!
3. He knew that the Roman Catholic university would need a contention-worthy football team.
4. He was never a big fan of Spinal Tap's music.

6.   The "Great Schism" of 1054 refers to:

1. The first debate on whether or not Christians should vote for a Mormon.
2. The final division of the Chalcedonian churches into Western (Roman Catholic) and Eastern (Eastern Orthodox).
3. A description of the part in Donald Trump's hair.
4. A super-hero whose impossible task is to save the printed comic book from extinction.

7.   William Tyndale is famous for:

1. Teaching little Billy Shakespeare how to properly hold his quill.
2. Creating the children's rhyme "Mary and Julius sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g".
3. Translating and printing the Bible in English so expertly that even the King James Version is considered up to 70% Tyndale's translation.
4. Developing gold-leafed pages to guarantee that paper cuts would be extremely painful.

8.   St. Anselm's argument for God's existence hinges on:

1. The idea that greatest possible being must be one that exists in reality.
2. The bathroom graffiti: "God is dead --Nietzsche." with a reply written underneath: "Nietzsche is dead -- God."
3. If coffee exists, it is a blessing. Coffee exists, therefore it is a blessing. Since only God can provide true blessings and blessings exist, God must exist.
4. Reading arguments promoted by the New Atheists and figuring that, given this level of reasoning, he'd rather be associated with the other side.

9.   Luther nailed his famous 95 theses to the Wittenburg door on Oct 31, 1517 because:

1. He wanted to begin a student protest about excessive homework assignments during the Halloween season.
2. On the back of each he had written "Starting a punk band. Need bass player (preferably with edgy monk haircut). Please call monastery for audition."
3. He was trying to start a new song to sing in the car: "95 Wittenburg theses on the wall, 95 Wittenburg theses! Take one down and pass it around..."
4. He wanted to protest the clerical abuses he saw within the Roman Catholic Church, particularly the sale of indulgences.

10.   John Ray, the father of naturalism who set up the classification system for plants and animals is famous for saying:

1. "Look how God spends His time. Forty-three species of parrot!"
2. "By calling bats something other than birds, I will single-handedly create a contradiction in the Bible that was written thousands of years ago. The YouTube atheists will love it."
3. "A wonder then it must needs be,—that there should be any Man found so stupid and forsaken of reason as to persuade himself, that this most beautiful and adorned world was or could be produced by the fortuitous concourse of atoms."
4. "Platypus?!? What the heck am I supposed to do with THIS?"

11.   William Wilberforce is best known for:

1. Being an unsuccessful politician who had to pay trademark damages to Lucasfilm for his campaign slogan "may Wilberforce be with you!"
2. His association with a talking horse.
3. His tireless, determined twenty year quest to have the slave trade abolished in England.
4. The lone red shirt to ever survive as an away team member on Star Trek TOS.

12.   Dietrich Bonheoffer returned to Germany in 1939 because:

1. Those Nazis were really snappy dressers!
2. At least the trains ran on time.
3. He wanted to live somewhere where people didn't constantly say "you mean like the coffee?"
4. He believed that "the ultimate question for a responsible man to ask is not how he is to extricate himself heroically from the affair, but how the coming generation shall continue to live."

Answers:  1:D,   2:C,  3:D,  4:B,  5:A,  6:B,  7:C,  8:A,  9:D,  10:C,  11:C  12:D.